Therapy, but Make It Crowded: An Introduction to Parts Work
Ever feel like you’re a walking contradiction? Like, one part of you is totally pumped to go to the gym, but another part just wants to “bed rot?” Or maybe one part of you really wants to quit that toxic job, but another part is screaming, “Grow up! We need health insurance!”
Congratulations, you’re officially a human with parts—and you’ve already got a head start in Parts Work Therapy without even realizing it.
Parts Work (shoutout to Internal Family Systems, or IFS, one of the most well-known approaches) is based on the idea that our minds aren’t just one unified, smooth-running machine. Nope. We’re more like a dysfunctional workplace, where different employees (our parts) all have their own roles, opinions, and strategies for keeping us alive and somewhat sane.
Let’s meet this recurring cast of characters and their respective tropes, shall we?
1. Exiles: The Wounded Inner Children
Exiles are the parts of us that carry pain, trauma, and deep emotional wounds—often from childhood. Consequently, these parts usually feel quite young. They hold onto feelings of shame, fear, rejection, or abandonment. Because their pain can be overwhelming, our system tries to keep them hidden away, locked in the basement of our psyche.
🔹 Signs of Exiles at Work:
- Feelings of deep insecurity or worthlessness
- “Flooding” of emotions that seem out of proportion to the situation
- Strong memories of past wounds resurfacing unexpectedly
- Intense reactions from your protectors–see the next section
💡 Healing Approach: Instead of pushing exiles away, Parts Work Therapy helps create a safe space for us to witness their pain and provide the attention and compassion they desperately need. Note: it can take some substantial work to even meet your exiles for reasons we’re about to get into. Once introduced, it can take time for your exiles to trust you (and your other parts) not to banish them again.
2. The Protectors: The Control Freaks and Firefighters
Protectors work hard to keep exiles from overwhelming us. They are divided into two main categories:
Managers: The Preventers
Managers are proactive, always working to keep us in control and prevent painful emotions from surfacing. They are often perfectionists, workaholics, or overly critical.
🔹 Signs of Managers at Work:
- Overthinking every decision like a nuclear launch code (e.g. quadruple checking that email before hitting send)
- Harsh internal dialogue
- Avoiding vulnerability by staying busy or detached (“Feelings? In this economy?”)
- Chronic people-pleasing
- Rigidly extreme behaviors, e.g. restrictive eating or over-exercising
💡 Healing Approach: Managers need to be acknowledged and reassured that it’s safe to loosen their grip. Therapy helps them learn that avoiding pain doesn’t actually lead to healing.
Firefighters: The Rescuers
Firefighters step in when exiles break through the managers’ defenses. Their goal? STOP THE PAIN. Fast. They do this by engaging in impulsive, numbing, or distracting behaviors—sometimes in self-destructive ways.
🔹 Signs of Firefighters at Work:
- Emotional eating, binge-watching, drinking, or other substance use (the opposite of manager’s restrictions)
- Impulsive decisions, like texting your ex or giving yourself bangs at 2 AM
- Numbing through avoidance, doomscrolling, or dissociation (“You can have a little brain-rot, as a treat.”)
- Intense urgency to do any particular behavior right now
💡 Healing Approach: Firefighters need to know they’re not in trouble. They’ve been doing their best to protect you. Therapy helps them find healthier ways to help you manage distress without self-sabotage. Firefighters often contain energy they’d rather use toward more positive things.
Don’t Be Sus…
A huge part of Protectors’ healing is gaining trust in Self’s ability to handle tough situations. Protectors have been running the show because they don’t believe anyone else (especially you) can handle the hard stuff. Therapy helps them see that your Self—your calm, wise, inner leader—actually can manage life without them having to work 24/7. Once they feel safe enough to step back, they don’t have to react so strongly, and you get to live with a little less internal chaos.
3. The Self: Your Inner Guru
Adjacent to all this internal drama is The Self—your core, wise, calm, and compassionate leader. Self often takes on the internal role of a loving parent figure—calm, compassionate, and unwavering—offering guidance without judgment, reassurance without control, and the kind of unconditional support that helps every part feel safe, seen, and valued.
How You Know Your Self is Running the Show:
✔️ You feel calm and clear-headed, even when life is throwing curveballs
✔️ You approach your parts (and even other people’s parts!) with curiosity about their experiences rather than judgment
✔️ You can make decisions from a place of wisdom, not fear or reactivity
How Therapy Helps:
The goal isn’t to get rid of your parts—it’s to help your Self step up as the leader so your protectors can take a break, your exiles can heal, and you don’t have to keep cycling through the same exhausting patterns. Therapists often model or hold on to Self-energy if you’re struggling to tap into it. Don’t worry–while we want to get to know your parts, we won’t let them hold a free-for-all with your session time.
Common Goals of Parts Work
Understanding these inner parts isn’t about getting rid of them—it’s about healing them. Parts Work Therapy allows us to:
✔️ Develop self-awareness and self-compassion
✔️ Heal past wounds without letting them control us
✔️ Transform unhealthy coping mechanisms into healthier strategies
✔️ Improve emotional regulation and decision-making by “un-blending” from parts
✔️ Strengthen relationships by improving communication, reducing reactivity, and fostering deeper connection with others
By learning to communicate with and understand our internal system, we move toward wholeness, rather than feeling at war with ourselves (or other people’s parts).
Final Thoughts: You’re Not a Mess, You’re Just Multifaceted
While it might sound complicated (and maybe a little weird), there’s good news in all of this: you’re not broken, and you don’t need to “fix” yourself. You just need to get to know your parts, give them the attention they deserve, and let your Self step in as the leader they’ve been waiting for.
Sound like something you want to explore with a counselor? I’d love to help you meet your parts (without judgment, I promise).
