When Parts Don’t Play Nice: Internal Conflicts & Effects
(If you’re new to parts work and wondering why we’re talking about your inner world like it’s a chaotic reality show, check out our intro post on parts work first.)
So, you’ve realized your brain is basically an overcrowded group chat full of strong personalities, each with their own agenda. Great! The next step? Understanding that these parts of you have opinions about each other—and not always friendly ones.
Managers think Firefighters are reckless. Firefighters think Managers are big nerds who need to loosen up. And everyone is collectively pretending the Exiles don’t exist. This is the drama happening in the background of your everyday life, and if you’ve ever wondered why you feel like you’re constantly at war with yourself, well… here’s your answer.
Let’s break down common conflicts between your parts, how it can mess with your day-to-day life, and how therapy helps them work together for once (singing Kumbaya in the round may be a little aspirational - but you never know).
Managers vs. Firefighters: The Never-Ending Power Struggle
Managers are your brain’s overachievers—constantly strategizing, planning, and making sure you never do anything embarrassing, reckless, or too emotional. They’re the ones reminding you to be productive, to double-check that email, and to please stop embarrassing yourself in public.
Firefighters, on the other hand, are the problem-solvers. The second emotions get overwhelming, they’re flipping tables and pulling emergency levers—“Shut it down! Distract! Escape!” This might look like scrolling TikTok for three hours, binge-eating snacks, or suddenly slamming the “Check Out” button on your Amazon cart full of entirely gratuitous and inessential items.
🔥 How this plays out in real life: You work yourself into exhaustion (Manager). You snap and binge Netflix for a full weekend, ignoring responsibilities (Firefighter). You wake up Monday full of shame and decide it’s time to get your life together (Manager again, now annoyed and out for vengeance). Rinse and repeat.
💡 How therapy helps: Managers learn that control doesn’t equal safety. Firefighters learn that not every emotional spark requires a full-blown five-alarm response. You get to step off the hamster wheel of burnout and self-sabotage.
Managers & Firefighters vs. Exiles: The “Let’s Pretend They Don’t Exist” Strategy
Exiles are the parts of you carrying all the stuff your brain decided was too painful to deal with—shame, grief, rejection, past wounds. They’re the emotional ghosts in the attic that Managers and Firefighters would very much like to pretend aren’t there.
Managers try to keep them locked away with achievement, discipline, and denial—because if we just stay busy enough, maybe we won’t have to feel anything.
Firefighters, meanwhile, are standing by with a panic button—if an Exile does start creeping in (hi, intrusive thoughts), they’re ready to drown it out immediately with distraction, numbing, or impulsive decisions.
🙃 How this plays out in real life: You randomly spiral into self-doubt but don’t know why (Exile saying “hey”). Instead of digging into these feelings, you double down on working harder (Manager freaks out). But then it’s too much, so you find yourself knee-deep in takeout and reality TV at 1 AM (Firefighter takes over).
💡 How therapy helps: Instead of pretending Exiles don’t exist, you actually listen to them. Managers learn that healing doesn’t mean everything falls apart. Firefighters realize they don’t have to panic every time emotions show up. And Exiles? They finally get some compassion instead of getting stuffed back in the emotional basement.
So, How Do We Make This Less Exhausting?
The goal of therapy isn’t to fire your Managers, banish your Firefighters, or force your Exiles into the spotlight. It’s to help them actually trust in your Self-leadership instead of fighting with one another to commandeer the ship.
- Managers chill out when they realize Exiles don’t have to be a threat. Control isn’t the only way to stay safe.
- Firefighters stop hitting the panic button every five seconds. Coping doesn’t have to mean self-destruction.
- Exiles finally get heard instead of locked away. Because ignoring emotions doesn’t make them disappear, it just makes them louder.
When your parts can let go of their burdens and start working with each other instead of against each other, life gets a little less chaotic. You stop feeling like you’re constantly battling yourself, and instead, you start feeling more like you.
TL;DR: Your parts have beef but they all want the best for you. Therapy helps them. You feel better and have greater Self-agency. Everybody wins.
If this sounds like patterns happening in your life, therapy might be the place to finally help your parts stop fighting and start healing. Reach out if you’re ready to hit pause on these played out scenarios and get curious about your parts.
The content on this blog is intended for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical treatment. Engaging with this blog, its content, or any associated social media or marketing materials does not establish a therapist-client relationship with Britt Benson or Britt Benson Counseling. If you are experiencing psychological distress or seeking support for mental health concerns, you are strongly encouraged to consult directly with a licensed mental health professional. Always seek the advice of your physician or a qualified mental health provider regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your well-being. If you are needing urgent help, please call 988 for the mental health and addiction crisis hotline or 911 for emergency services.
